


Alternative Usages

by yumekuimono



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Condoms, Gen, Prank Wars, creative usages of condoms, tony is so confused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 14:59:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7468053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumekuimono/pseuds/yumekuimono
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint is in need of supplies for a prank on Natasha. Bucky helps out. Tony is so confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alternative Usages

“Hey, Clint.”

“What?” Tony asks, walking into the room with a tablet in one hand and his phone in the other.

“Nothing,” Bucky says, looking back down at his book.

Tony’s about to respond that it’s definitely something, he’s been dating Bucky long enough to know that tone of voice, and it definitely means something—when the archer drops out of the ceiling right behind him and claps a hand on his shoulder. Tony most certainly does not shriek, and if he does it’s very manly.

“What _is_ it with you people?” he demands. “It’s like you _want_ to scare me to death, and then where are you going to find another eccentric billionaire to fund you?”

“Sorry,” Clint grins, not at all apologetic. “Do you have any condoms?”

“What?” Tony is admittedly thrown by this topic of conversation. “Why don’t you have your own?”

“I used them all.”

“So go get more. You’re an adult. You know where the store is.”

“I can’t,” Clint says, like it’s obvious. “It’ll raise suspicion if I leave the Tower now, especially when Nat’s expecting retaliation. Which is why I’m asking you. Do you have any or not?”

Tony raises an eyebrow. “I live with two super soldiers who can’t get so much as the common cold. What makes you think we have condoms?”

“Try the gun locker,” Bucky interjects from the couch, turning a page and looking entirely nonplussed when Tony swivels to eye him.

“Cool, thanks,” Clint says, already heading towards the room where the three of them keep uniforms and gear. Tony can’t do much but follow.

There is, in fact, among the pistols and sniper rifles and Bucky’s beloved 1903 Springfield, a box of condoms.

He trails Clint back into the living room, watching as Bucky finally looks up from his book and tells the archer, “This better not make me a target.”

“Nah, don’t worry, I’ll keep you out of it.”

“Good. I like being able to drink with Nat.”

“Believe it or not, she started it this time. Gimme a hand?”

“Sure.” Bucky stands and walks over to the spot underneath the air vent, letting Clint step on first his hand and then his shoulder to climb back into the ceiling with his loot. “Am I getting any of those back?”

Clint sticks his head back out of the vent and makes a face. “Maybe. We’ll see how many more I break trying to get this right.” And with that he’s gone, at least having the decency to replace the grate.

Tony can’t keep his confusion in anymore, and bursts out with, “Why in the world do we have condoms in the gun locker?”

“They’re good for keeping water and dirt out of the barrel, and no one’s gonna question why I have ‘em if I’m tryna smuggle my gear in somewhere,” Bucky explains, like that’s the most natural thing to do with condoms. “Which reminds me, a coupla those might be garrotes. Clint better not steal them.”

Tony blinks rapidly several times, trying to process that. “Something tells me Legolas isn’t using them for sex either.”

“Nah, it’s to do with his prank war with Natasha,” Bucky says, picking his book back up. “I might actually wanna see this one.”

“Steve,” Tony whines, turning to his other boyfriend, who had come into the room at some point during the proceedings, “my Tower is full of crazy people.”

Steve raises amused eyebrows. “And you’re just noticing this now?”

Tony huffs and plops down on the couch in between his Brooklyn boys. “It’s always had crazy people in it. There’s just more of them now. It’s like an infestation.”

Steve just chuckles and pulls him in to kiss the top of his head. “We love you too, Tony.”

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, yeah, so I was dicking around on the internet the other day (pun totally intended) when I came across the information that condoms started to be used in WWII to cover the barrels of rifles to protect them in inclement conditions, and that paramilitary groups have used the packaging to conceal garrote wires, and I immediately had the thought that somebody in Avengers Tower would have fun with this, and then I had to write it. I have no clue what Clint is using the condoms for, but I'm pretty sure it's never been done before.
> 
> Come say hi to me on [Tumblr](http://yumekuimono.tumblr.com).


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